Helping A Child Cope With The Death Of A Parent

Key points about helping a child cope with the death of a parent

• after a death, many children want to share their story
• telling their story is a healing experience
• one of the best ways adults can help young grievers is to listen to their stories
• children also need continuity (normal activities), care (plenty of hugs and cuddles) and connection (to still feel connected to the parent who has died, and to you)

What do bereaved children need after the death of a parent?

After a death, many children want to share their story. They may want to tell you what happened, where they were when they were told about the death, and what it was like for them. Telling their story is a healing experience. One of the best ways adults can help young grievers is to listen to their stories.

Children also need continuity, care and connection.

Continuity

It is important to maintain normal activities at home, at school and in the community wherever possible. Talk to your child’s school and teacher about what has happened as soon as you can so that they are able to provide extra support for your child.

Care

Take time to give your child plenty of hugs and cuddles. Grief can be a very lonely experience for children and adults. It’s important that your child continues to feel looked after and cared for. It may help to ask other family members and friends to help you care for your child / children in the weeks following the death, when your own grief is overwhelming.

Connection

When an important family member dies, the whole family can feel fractured and incomplete. It’s quite natural to want to withdraw for a while and it is at this time that children can feel lonely and disconnected from their grieving parent. It’s important that your child is able to still feel connected to the parent who has died and to you. You can help them to do this in the practical ways listed below.

Specifically, they need:

• adequate information about the death
• their fears and anxieties addressed
• reassurance that they are not to blame
• careful listening
• acknowledgement and acceptance of their feelings and grief
• a sense of safety in the world
• respect for their own way of coping
• people who will guide and help
• help with overwhelming emotions
• involvement and inclusion in rituals and anniversaries
• opportunities to remember the person who has died

What are 3 important questions young children might not ask but I might help to answer?

• who will look after me?
• will I get sick?
• did I cause my parent to die?

The death of a parent can shake the foundations of a child's belief in the world as a safe place. Your child will need plenty of reassurance and encouragement to begin to feel safe again. Some children may worry about getting sick and dying themselves and it may reassure them to visit your family doctor for a check-up. It's a good idea to give the doctor a ring before you visit so that they can be prepared for any questions your child may ask.

How can I help my child explore and express their grief?

Keeping communication open with children and young people can be the greatest challenge for a grieving caregiver. Children may not necessarily wish to talk but they need to be able to express their grief and sadness. Below are some practical suggestions to help you with this.

Talk

Talk about the person who has died and use their name.

Make a memory box

Make a memory store/box and use this to store precious things that offer memories of the parent who has died.

Make photos available

Pool the available photos and make copies for all the children concerned.

Make a photo album and journal

Create an album of photographs and stories. Keep a journal of memories.

Put together questionnaires

Put together questions that build a portrait of the parent. You can ask and answer these together as a family before and/or after the death of a parent. For example:

• what was their favourite food?
• what was their favourite place?
• what was their favourite TV programme?

Link objects and special things

It is important for children to have some of the special objects that belonged to their parent. These might be items of clothing, jewellery or other objects.

Make time to sit down and listen

Your child will talk when they are ready and usually in small bursts. These are precious windows to your child's understanding of what has happened.

Create rituals

Create special and unique rituals or remembrance activities.

When can therapy help my child after they have lost a parent?

Children often protect their parents fearing that they will bring further sadness if they express their grief.

Sometimes children experience difficulties with grief and may need professional help. The following are signs that your child may need help. Many of these signs are normal following the death of a parent but may indicate a problem if they continue for a long time and don't seem likely to change.

Difficulty talking

Has continuing difficulty talking about their parent who has died.

Aggression

Is displaying aggressive behaviour and anger.

Physical symptoms

Has unexplained physical symptoms and discomfort such as stomach aches and headaches.

Sleeping and eating problems

Has sleeping difficulties and eating disturbance such as eating excessively or having very little appetite.

Marked social withdrawal

Doesn't want to socialise with friends or others outside the family.

School difficulties

Has serious academic reversal, inability to concentrate or behavioural problems.

Guilt

Has continuing blame or guilt.

Self-destructive behaviour

Engages in at-risk behaviour and talks about wanting to hurt themselves.

What therapy offers

Therapy offers the child or teen the opportunity to talk about very difficult things in a safe and non-judgemental environment. The therapist or counsellor may suggest that you come with your children and that you all talk together. Children under about 8 years will need the opportunity for expression that play therapy offers. Remember that very young children and infants are also deeply affected by the loss of a parent although their way of managing the feelings will not always be obvious.

How can I find the right child and family counsellor, psychologist or psychotherapist?

It is very important to check, and OK to ask, whether the clinician has clinical training and experience in working with children and young people.

Your clinician should also be a member of one of the following.

New Zealand Association of Counsellors

Your counsellor should be a member of New Zealand Association of Counsellors (NZAC). You can search for a counsellor on the NZAC website. You can check whether a counsellor is a member by asking the individual counsellor to show you their certificate. 

New Zealand Association of Psychotherapists

Your adult psychotherapist should be a member of New Zealand Association of Psychotherapists (NZAP). You can an adult psychotherapist in your area by using the search feature on the NZAP website homepage. 

New Zealand Association of Child and Adolescent Psychotherapists

Your child psychotherapist should be a member of New Zealand Association of Child and Adolescent Psychotherapists (NZACAP). See the NZACAP website to find a psychotherapist in your area, or to see if a specific psychotherapist is a member of the NZAP.

New Zealand Psychologists Board

Your psychologist or clinical psychologist should be registered with the New Zealand Psychologists Board. Their website has an online register of psychologists. 

How to contact a counsellor, psychotherapist or psychologist

You can contact a counsellor, psychotherapist or psychologist through your family doctor, by calling Skylight free on 0800 299 100 or by checking your local phone listings. 

You can also read more information about supporting children, parents and whānau experiencing grief